thoughts and feelings remembered

this was written five months ago....

as each day passes i find that im going farther and farther from me. maybe im spreading myself a little to thin a little to wide. and therefore causing me to easily feel stressed and pressured. i thought at my age i already pass the crossroad. now it seems that im right in the middle of it. as much as i'd like to not belive the "real world" is pulling me back in. much like marx im angry that i live in a system that i must be a slave to money. im angry that the rich find it unacceptable for the poor to recieve and "earn" but completly righteous for them to steal others fare share. im angry that we live in a system that is glared towards benifitting those who already have. im angry knowing that we are living in a world where our greatest moral is not one of love, appriciation, joy or unity; instead our main driving force of money and the self, which serves as the divisive instrument for a society. that so desire the cohesiveness of which friendship, respect, truth and love can bring about. im angry that i must repress my freedom, my spirit my life, to live as "normal" member of the society. im angry that im a part and a survivor that is of this system. the way on how to deal with this anger is unseen and unknown. but to write againts it and to fight it in spirit. i know how marx feel pain, disgust and anger. where do i go from here. do i continue to live as a vagabond. do i relent and return to our society that has only shown how repulsive and degrading our quest for money and capitalism. i can only hope that nature will take its course. but the fear that nature is already cloaked by the skin of capitalism. is capitalism democracy? is politics by the people? is religion for the people? am i talking of the unholytrinity?im just tired, i just need to sleep dream of naked george bush in my bed, wake up tomorrow and be thankful that my ass is not oily.

for me to keep the balance in life i should have the both essence of evreything. and in order to understand something i should know the opposite. i belive in duality. black-white, bad-good, male-female, night-day, left-right, blahblahblah. the absence of one is the absence of all. how would we differentiate black if we dont know white. what is the meaning of good when there is no bad. can a man live with out woman? blahblahblah.